How To Date A Single Mother – Part One

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Let’s face it.  Any bachelor who is looking for love is bound to cross paths with a single mother.  Often deemed a daunting and darn near impossible task, dating a single mother doesn’t have to be if you know what is required.

Guys, the time is over for guessing what a single mother wants and demands from you when dating her.  So instead of us offering advice, we have enlisted the help of three single moms who agreed to answer some questions on their background and experiences.  Maybe you may find that some of your approaches have been way off base. So, with no further ado, let’s meet our ladies. 

Brenda: 31 years-old and the parent of a two daughters (7,4).

Lindsey: 38 years old and the parent of a three children (18, 12, 12).

Shae: 30 years old and the proud mom of a seven year-old son.

Each woman was asked the same 10 questions and offered the opportunity to share any additional thoughts.  Below is Part One to the interview which includes the first five questions/answers. 

What was the nature of you becoming a single mother?

Brenda: I was married for almost 7 years and then we divorced 2 years ago.

Lindsey: I became divorced after almost 11 years of marriage.

Shae: I met and fell for this guy who was very different from me. I was a sheltered, middle-class, Christian, educated, southern girl and he was a ex-drug dealer, running from the police, high school drop out agnostic from California. It was wrong from the start, but I fell in lust. I got pregnant and he became abusive.  After I took out a restraining order, he fled back to California. I had my son and have been raising him alone ever since.

What have you realized is important to you when looking for a mate that wasn’t a focus before you became a single mother?

Brenda: I have 2 young girls and everything I do revolves around them. I know that they are looking up to me as a role model and I cannot afford to make any mistakes. I am so nervous about having any men around my girls as you really don’t "know" people. I do not bring a bunch of guys around them and have said that only when I know I plan on being in a serious relationship with a guy, will I do so. I am not old, but I am definitely not young any more so those days of playing games are over. I look for a man who is a Christian, has a career, is stable, educated, not into playing games, loves children, respects himself as well as me and my girls, can be independent with his life, but make a life with me as well, is funny, loving, trustworthy, and knows that by finding me and my girls he will have the perfect family!!

Lindsey: Someone that can not only be a partner for me but a father to my children.  When you are single without kids, you are looking for the same thing.  The difference is that the kids would be that man’s also.  When you are single with children you have to worry about a man being a step-father and accepting your children as their own.

Shae: I now look for men who are family and goal-oriented and straight-laced. The kind who could be a role-model for my son.

What mistakes do guys tend to make when getting to know or date you, now that you’re a single mother?

Brenda: I have found that guys who are not parents themselves tend to understand less why my children come first and why I do the things the way I do. Guys who do not understand why they cannot come over and watch a movie at my house while my children are there are an example of this. I understand it is not their fault, maybe, since they do not have children and I know there are alot of women out there who bring anyone around their children, but I do not. My dating life is not always easy as their father does not get them on a regular consistent basis. Guys who are very last minute with going on dates do not do well with me as it is hard for me to find a babysitter on short notice. I have had some guys get irritated by this and my response is "Don’t deal with it if you don’t want to, my girls come first." Guys who come at me talking about being able to take care of me is a pet peeve as well. I am an independent woman with a career who pays her own bills and does not look for someone to help with that. I know there are women out there who are looking for a man to help them out financially, but not all of us are like that. So please do not assume. My motto is, "I want a man, I don’t NEED a man!"

Lindsey: Sometimes they don’t consider in the beginning that single moms are a package deal.  We aren’t just looking for someone to be an every other weekend boyfriend.

Shae: It’s interesting because I’m hesitant to allow men to meet my son. In fact, I have to know that we are serious with future plans before they can meet him. One mistake men make is thinking they can come to my house and hang out or spend the night while my son is there- not going to happen! If we are not on the path to marriage, you can not interact with him. I refuse to have his life affected by seeing me with multiple men whom I’m dating.

Have you ever had a guy attracted to you and then back off once he found out you were a single mother? If so, tell us about that.

Brenda: Actually I have not had that happen. It’s funny because I have had so many more guys who are younger than me ask me out then I have had guys my own age or older. That seems funny to me because you would think a younger guy would want less "baggage!"

Lindsey: I have not had that happen, but I have had guys back off when they see what it is really like to parent especially if they don’t have children of their own.

Shae: I never have problems meeting men. I have problems meeting men who are ready for a family. A lot of men, 30 and up are surprisingly, not ready for a family. My son and I are a package deal. I lay out my expectations up front and ask plenty of questions. I have turned men down who are only interested in me and not in being a potential father.

After becoming a single mother, were you apprehensive about dating again? Why or why not?

Brenda: I was and still am apprehensive about dating. I was really hurt with events from my marriage and this lead  me to build a very high wall around myself. I am scared to get hurt again and also scared that my girls will get hurt as well. I don’t want them getting attached to another man and then him leaving them too.

Lindsey: I was apprehensive about dating.  I got married right out of high school and when I started dating, it wasn’t like it was when I was in high school.  It was a completely different game.

Shae: I’m not apprehensive, however I am more cautious. I run background checks on all men that I date. And I pray a lot- before, during and after relationships.

Learn anything that you didn’t know? Or maybe you’ve made some of the mistakes our mothers mentioned.  Let’s talk about it in the comment section.

Editor’s Note

This is part one of a two-part interview.  Click here to read Part Two!